What's Wrong With This News Release from SME? Just About Everything!

Posted by Dean Rotbart at 5/29/2008 7:18 PM
Categories: L-VMA University
The news release that follows was issued by the Society of Manufacturing Engineers last week to promote the fact that a professor at the University of Oklahoma won an award from SME for a paper she wrote on the innovative use of rapid prototyping in the field of skull reconstruction.

If I were the professor, I'd ask for my money back.

The release by SME, which aims to promote the additive fabrication industry among its various goals, is guilty of almost all variety of poor writing. Sad to say, however, the SME news release is typical of news releases being written in our industry: 1.) Boring 2.) Self-Serving 3.) Of interest to few people, if anyone. 4.) Laden with jargon. 5.) Boring.

Okay, so I mentioned boring twice. It is worth emphasizing.

If we are ever going to grow this industry into the global powerhouse that it can be, we've got to do a much, much better job telling our story -- especially to the mainstream news media.

For tips on writing a good RAPID industry news release, please see my earlier post here.

To be as clear as possible, I will once again comment in blue after providing you the exact text of the SME news release.

========================================================================

HEADLINE:  Dr. Jayanthi Parthasarathy Accepts Dick Aubin Distinguished Paper Award

[This headline sucks! I hate to be that blunt, but it's true. Who, especially among journalists, has any idea in the world who Dr. Jayanthi Parthasarathy is? Moreover, who other than SME and Dick Aubin's family have any idea what is a 'Dick Aubin Distinguished Paper Award'? It is like a Pulitzer Prize or a Nobel Prize?

Try this headline I crafted instead:

Professor Honored For Her Study Of Innovative Ways To Help Rebuild Shattered Skulls

Oh my! My version doesn't name the professor, the award, the group that is honoring her, or even the industry that is sponsoring the award. 

Exactly.

Read SME's headline again and read mine. Then pretend you are a normal human being, not an SME insider. Which headline makes you want to read on?]

SUBHEAD: Award-Winning Paper Focuses on Rapid Technology Used in Skull Reconstruction

[Not scintillating prose, but I can live with it. At least I don't need to be an SME-insider to understand it.]

DEARBORN, Mich., May 22, 2008 — Dr. Jayanthi Parthasarathy, B.D.S., M.S. of the University of Oklahoma School of Industrial Engineering accepted the Dick Aubin Distinguished Paper Award for 2008. Dr. Parthasarathy was honored during the plenary session at the Society of Manufacturing Engineers’ (SME) RAPID 2008 Conference and Exposition on May 20.

[Oh, vomit! We start with Dr. Parthasarathy's name again, then we're forced to suffer through her academic degrees? Who cares that it was the 'plenary' session and who cares it was at RAPID 2008? No self-respecting journalist would read past this first paragraph.

Save the details for the bottom of the release, if they are necessary at all. Screw her titles and affiliations. What we really want to say here is that a great professor wrote a great paper that could help those who need to have their skulls rebuilt and she was honored for it. After we've explained that, we can fill in the details.

Remember, a journalist needs to know the "so what" first. Then tell the reporter the who, what, where, and when.]

The award recognizes innovative applications of rapid prototyping processes and techniques and honors the author for his/her contribution of ideas and information to the rapid technology and additive manufacturing industry. It is named in memory of Richard F. Aubin, a founding member of the Rapid Prototyping Association of SME Advisory Board and member of the editorial review board for the Rapid Prototyping Journal. Aubin was a pioneer in the international intelligent manufacturing systems (IMS) effort with his work in the rapid product development feasibility study.

[The SME release hasn't really explained yet what Dr. Parthasarathy did that was newsworthy, but SME wants me to wade through an explanation first of why the award is named for Dick Aubin?  Please!  Save this for the very last paragraph of the news release, so if we get bored by it, at least we will have already read the truly important content of the news release.]

Dr. Parthasarathy was this year’s recipient for her paper on the innovative application of rapid prototyping to the field of skull reconstruction for use in correcting defects, also known as cranioplasty. She and co-authors, Dr. Shivakumar Raman and Dr. Binil Starly, both of the University of Oklahoma School of Industrial Engineering, detailed the surgical reconstruction procedures required of both form and function and the recent introduction of Electron Beam Melting (EBM) that has opened a new horizon for the possibility of direct fabrication of patient-specific titanium prosthesis from CT scan data. This design strategy gives a feasible, repeatable, and predictable solution to designing custom craniofacial implants.

[The above SME sentence has 58 words in it:  "She and co-authors, Dr. Shivakumar Raman and Dr. Binil Starly, both of the University of Oklahoma School of Industrial Engineering, detailed the surgical reconstruction procedures required of both form and function and the recent introduction of Electron Beam Melting (EBM) that has opened a new horizon for the possibility of direct fabrication of patient-specific titanium prosthesis from CT scan data."

From this we can conclude one of two things:  1.  The person who wrote this for SME is paid by the word.  2.  The person who wrote this for SME doesn't have to read what he/she writes.

Here is a great rule of thumb for sentence writing.  If you can't read it out loud in one breath, it is way too long. And no, folks, you don't get extra credit for weighing down a sentence with jargon.  Who really thinks there isn't a better way to explain "a new horizon for the possibility of direct fabrication of patent-specific titanium proesthesis from CT scan data?"  Hold the presses on that amazing piece of news!] 

“Advances in computer technology in the rapid industry have created new avenues in surgery which the previous generation could only have imagined,” says Todd A. Grimm, vice chair of SME’s Rapid Technologies and Additive Manufacturing (RTAM) Community. “The Dick Aubin Distinguished Paper Award acknowledges such ground-breaking innovation.”

[Todd tells me companies in our industry actually pay him to help them communicate more clearly.  But Todd needs lessons himself.  Engineers may understand Todd's quote.  They may even nod their heads in agreement.  But the rest of the world won't view this as articulate.  "...which the previous generation could only have imagined" -- Does he mean our parents?  If so, why not just say so?  Or does Todd mean surgeons?  Or does he mean computer programmers?

How about:  "Surgeons today, thanks to advances in the rapid industry, can work 'miracles' that were only dreams even a decade ago?"  Do we really need or gain from all of Todd's verbiage?]

For further information about the Dick Aubin Distinguished Paper Award or to learn more about the RTAM Community, visit www.sme.org/rtam.

[Anyone who is inspired by the original SME news release to want more information needs to get serious psychiatric help.]


 

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